Relationships
Let's say a guy named Roger is attracted to a woman named Elaine. He asks her to a movie; she accepts; they have a good time. They continue to see each other, after a while exclusively.
Then, one evening a thought occurs to Elaine, and without really thinking, she says "Do you realize we've been seeing each other for exactly six months?"
Roger responds with silence. Elaine thinks to herself, "Geez, I wonder if it bothers him that I said that. Maybe he feels confined by our relationship; maybe he thinks I'm trying to push him into some kind of obligation he doesn't want, isn't sure of."
But Roger is thinking, "Gosh. Six months."
And Elaine is thinking, "But, hey, I'm not so sure I want this kind of relationship, either. Sometimes I wish I had more space, time to think about whether I really want us to keep moving steadily toward . . . I mean, where are we going? Are we just going to keep seeing each other at this level of intimacy? Are we heading toward marriage? Children? A lifetime together? Am I ready for such a commitment? Do I really even know this person?"
And Roger is thinking "So that means it was . . . let's see . . . February when we started going out, which was right after I had the car at the dealer's, which means . . . lemme check the odometer . . . Whoa! I'm way overdue for an oil change."
And Elaine is thinking, "He's upset. I can see it on his face. He's looking at the clock. But maybe I'm reading this completely wrong. Maybe he wants more from our relationship, more intimacy, more commitment; maybe he's sensed -- even before I sensed it -- that I'm feeling reservations. Yes, I bet that's it. That's why he's so reluctant to say anything about his feelings. He's afraid of being rejected."
And Roger is thinking, "I'm gonna have them look at the transmission again. I don't care what those morons say, it's still not shifting right. And they better not try to blame it on the cold weather this time. It's 87 degrees, and this thing is shifting like a damn garbage truck."
And Elaine is thinking, "He's angry, and I don't blame him. I'd be angry, too. Gosh, I feel so guilty, putting him through this. But I can't help the way I feel. I'm just not sure."
And Roger is thinking, "They'll probably say it's only a 90 day warranty. That's exactly what they're gonna say, the meatheads."
And Elaine is thinking, "Maybe I'm just too idealistic, waiting for a knight to come along on a white horse, when actually I'm sitting right next to a perfectly good person, a person I enjoy being with and truly do care about, a person who seems to care about me, but who's in pain because of my self-centered, schoolgirl romantic fantasy."
And Roger is thinking, "Warranty? They want a warranty? I'll give them a damn warranty. I'll take their warranty and stick it . . ."
"Roger!" Elaine says aloud.
"What?" says Roger, startled.
"Please don't torture yourself like this," she says, eyes brimming with tears. "Maybe I should never have . . . Oh, I feel so . . ." (She breaks down sobbing.)
"What?" says Roger.
"I'm such a fool. I mean, I know there's no knight. I really know that. It's silly. There's no knight, and there's no white horse."
"There's no horse?" says Roger.
"You think I'm a fool, don't you?" she says.
"No!" says Roger, glad finally to know a right answer.
"It's just that . . . It's . . . I need some time," she says.
After a pregnant 15-second pause while Roger tries to come up with a safe response, he finally he thinks of one that might work, and says "Yes."
Elaine is deeply moved, "Oh, Roger, do you really feel that way?"
"What way?" asks Roger bewildered.
"About time," says Elaine.
"Oh," says Roger. "Yes."
Elaine turns to face him and gazes deeply into his eyes, unnerving Roger about what she might say next, especially if its about a horse. At last she says, "Thank you, Roger."
"Thank you," he responds.
After he takes her home, she lies on her bed, a conflicted, tortured soul, and weeps until dawn, whereas when Roger gets home, he opens a bag of Doritos, turns on the TV, and immediately becomes deeply involved in a rerun of a tennis match between two Czechoslovakians he's never heard of. But a tiny voice in the far recesses of his mind tells him that something major was going on back there in the car. He's sure what or that he would ever understand, so he decides not to think about it anymore. (This is also his policy regarding world hunger.)
The next day Elaine calls her closest friends, and they talk for six straight hours. In painstaking detail, they analyze everything Elaine said and everything Roger said, going over it time and time again, exploring every word, expression, and gesture for nuances, considering every possible ramification. They discuss the subject, off and on, for weeks, maybe months, never reaching definite conclusions, but never getting bored either.
Meanwhile, Roger, while playing racquetball one day with a mutual friend of his and Elaine's, pauses just before serving, frowns, and says, "Norm, did Elaine ever own a horse?"
From: Dave Barry's "Complete Guide to Guys," pp 59-63, New York: Random House, 1995. (c)1995 by Dave Barry.